My heart beats strong remnants of passion

As the rain pounds on the windows I imagine

I have so many things to say 

Most days, I am the biggest feminist.

Most days, I am secure in myself and I know I don't need anyone to make me happy.

Most days, I hold my head and don't think twice about those who don't come close to my standards.

Most days, I tell girls, "You don't have to be with him. Be by yourself".

Most days, I see desire as a personal weakness.

Most days....

But at night....

At night I pull the sheets a little closer, visions of a lifetime of loneliness chilling my bones.

At night I dream of him in my sleep, only to wake up with tears in my eyes when he isn't there.

At night I'm scared of lonely and I hug my pillow tight, wishing it was someone- anyone- to hold me.

At night I wonder if I want too much or if I deserve.....

At night I make me sick, when I think of how my weakness takes over my body like a ravaging hunger.


And as the sun comes up, I push the weak thoughts away. I wipe my tears and promise to be a 
stronger woman. And as I walk with my head high, I do believe that I can be....

Until darkness surrounds me once more. And I yearn for that which I openly refute.

Don't judge me when you look at my skin Because I'm the color of chocolate I'm tossed into the reject pile Because I'm not the color of the sun I can't color your life with my happiness Don't judge me when you see my hair Just because it doesn't reach my butt I'm no longer good enough Just because I can't pull it into a ponytail I can't pull your heart into my warm embrace How bout you don't judge me and I don't judge you And we'll see what it comes to Eliminate the words dark, light and let's see What you could become to me

My desire You create a fire That pumps thru my veins And resides by my legs In liquid desire Your body calls for mine And I can only answer So aware of my desires I want your fire Inside my veins Release your intentions In the heat of our passion And make me spasm under you My ultimate attraction My body belongs to you

A Christmas Wish

Dear Santa I'm here again
With one request that burns within
My soul, my heart seeks to win
The love of just one man

He's on my mind from when I awake
And when he's gone my heart just aches
I gotta have him for goodness sake
The love of this one man

So Santa if you cannot see
How much this man does mean to me
I only want him under my tree
The love of my one man

He makes me smile and makes me laugh
He'll make me laugh then make me mad
An emotion with him is an emotion to be had
The love of that one man

So Santa this is my clandestine hope
This man's heart I want to know
His hand the only I want to hold
The love of this one man

A strong black man, a lion ready

Buried Alive

Shovel after shovel of newly dug dirt,
I hear your muffled cry less and less.
Tearful apologies, “I never meant to hurt you”
Even your lies can’t mend my fallen dreams.
I remember my first cry and how
You caught my tear, you didn’t want it to
Fall, but now my tears fall more and
You don’t bother to catch them anymore.
I wipe a tear and add another mound
Because you don’t care really
And you’re not sorry, you’re just scared.
Because this time you hurt as much
As me. But your hurt is what brought
Me here, what bout your wrists what
Sealed this box, what buried you alive.
I just wanted you to wipe another
Tear, to say you loved me again and
Still I see me, not you, in the casket.
I can’t beat this love, I can’t hurt
You like you hurt me.

I can’t bury you alive.

I can’t beat the pang I feel when
I see you, when I reach out and you turn
Away, when you tell me things aren’t what
They used to be and burying you alive
Won’t bury this and you aren’t in a
Casket and I’m not shoveling dirt
And I’m not in control and you aren’t
Crying and apologizing and you
Are in your room and you’re not thinking
About me in the least. And I am holding
Your shirt and searching for your scent and
Now I lay gasping for air and now
My thoughts, my feelings are like the dirt
Being shoveled on my early grave. My tear
Falls with nothing to block its path and you
Bury me alive.

And the worst part is not my kicking
And screaming or the scratch marks
Inside this wooden box or my gasps
For breath that come fewer as time
Goes on. But through this all you do to me,
I love you.

Fire pumps through my veins,
images of happiness flash before
my eyes. Rapidly. I can’t
seem to grasp or feel
what it is that makes
me smile before the next
image flickers on and off
again. Delirium bubbles from
my lips. A crazy laugh really
but it doesn’t scare me.
I’m happy and “that’s
all that really matters right?”
I ask the walls around
me. They don’t answer but
their silence doesn’t dampen
my ride. My happiness is impenetrable
as long as I feel the heat surging
through my veins. Through my
heart the thumping growing
faster and stronger. I should
worry that it will stop.

Sweat pools on my body.
The shaking has started
again. Torment envelopes my
being. I should cry for help
but I’ve forgotten how. My eyes
are swollen but I don’t remember
crying. My heart is a raw slow
erratic beat. I forget to breathe
until my lungs cry out. I get
dizzy, but I never faint.
I lay conscious but unconscious.
Is a moment’s happiness worth the fall?

In a different world I’m faced with a
decision. Is this poison or the magic
key?
There’s only one solution.
I reach out and bite the apple.
As I fall, I have no regrets.

At least I found the answer.

Loneliness grips me in the night
like angina. I gasp for him.
Reaching beside, I feel nothing
but cold sheets, the absence of
his heat. I shiver.
Where is he to pull me closer
as he sleeps. His instinct, searching
for me. Asleep our bodies lay
as one. And tonight my body is
a half. For his dreams are my
dreams. My hopes, his
And when he is gone. I am
remiss.

I watch the video in my head.
Once bitten twice shy
if it happened again?
Would it be my fault or yours?
Would it be yours for forgetting
my feelings again?
Or mine for thinking you would
think about them?
Can you see me?
Once I sat surprised
but this time should I put the
sandbags in, and wait to feel
the pain as your neglect
pounds on the walls of my heart
like hurricane. And your
inconsideration add salt to my
wounds. Should I have seen
this coming? Is it my fault or
yours? If the levees of our
friendship break again? As you
let the outside world seep in
our intimate life? Who is to
blame? Should I have to worry
or am i being paranoid? I
need a message in the sand. I
need a whisper it's okay. I
need to know what happened
was the past that you've
learned and I....
I need a resolution.

The woman I used to be
would jump at your call.
She'd make excuses
as she excused herself
from those who loved
her to enter your
crazy world. The woman
I used to be would
trade her tears and
friend's advice, her common
sense and her brain's
replies for just a moment
of your kiss only to have
it followed by your anger,
your insults and the searing
pain that always came
after. The woman I used
to be would give you
the world before you ask,
praise you before you
desired, love you
completely, purely,
devotedly
before you realized
that was what you needed.

She used to say
One day you will realize
that all you ever
needed was in me
and my love would
move your mountains
and split your red seas.
I would've saved you
from the slavery
of your insecurities
and brought you to
the Promise Land of
Love. I would've danced
away your fears and
sang away your disappointments.

The woman I used to
be was a woman
who lived fr you
who breathed your breath
who cried your tears
who required you to
be the existence of
her being.

But the woman I used to be is no more.

I hope to publish my better poems on this blog. With input, I might collect them and put them in a book one day. Happy Reading.